How He Met Her Mother
by WeBuiltThePyramids
Summary: Howard has been convinced to go and meet Bernadette's mama...and he is terrified.
1. Chapter 1

**Here is my best attempt at writing a Howard/Bernadette fic. In this story, we'll have them spend some time at his house, and eventually he will meet her mother, satisfying the two scenarios that got the most votes in my poll.**

**One more thing-I promised some people on another site that if I ever wrote H/B fic, I would do my best to not have other pairings in the story. Well, that promise I cannot totally keep. I wrote drafts of the first chapter trying, and I felt the story was choppy, forced, and lacked depth into why Howard was feeling what he feels. So for the SPers out there, I promise that where Leonard and Penny are concerned, there will be no kissing, no bedroom scenes, and as of now I do not have them appearing after the first chapter.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

"Hola, Nerdmigos!"

"Hey look," said Leonard cheerfully. "It's Howard and his girlfriend Bernadette! Just in time, guys," he added, handing paper plates to Sheldon, Raj, and Penny.

"Good, good, what are we having?" Howard asked. He rubbed his hands together as he surveyed the coffee table.

Bernadette poked his arm. "It looks like pizza, Howard." He smiled at her and sank down next to Raj on the couch. As Bernadette was about to sit beside him, Sheldon spun from where he was at the sink. "That's my spot."

"Okay," Bernadette didn't argue and remained standing. "Then where am I supposed to sit?" God, was she patient, Howard though. He was so lucky to have her-but would he, after Saturday?

"I suggest that you stand," Sheldon said. "Or Howard could do the gentlemanly thing and surrender his seat."

"Why don't _you _do the gentlemanly thing and surrender _your_ seat?"

"She's not _my_ girlfriend," Sheldon pointed out.

Penny had been following the conversation with amused glances aimed at Leonard and Raj. She stood up. "I have a solution." Holding her plate, she stepped over to Leonard's chair and plopped down on his lap. "There. Problem solved."

"Problem solved? How am I supposed to eat?"

"You're the genius," she said, "figure it out." Pointing at the chair, Penny looked at her girl friend. "Bernadette, sit." Bernadette sat.

"Are you happy now?" Howard asked.

Sheldon came over and took his seat. "I'm not unhappy."

"So Howard, you didn't come to Halo Night yesterday," Leonard said. "What were you two up to? More eighth base?"

Bernadette giggled. Howard loved her giggle. "Well," she said. "We were bowling."

"Bowling?" Penny said. "Like bowling, bowling, or is that his sick nickname for something?"

Bernadette looked confused. "Bowling."

"Good old-fashioned bowling, the kind Sheldon would do," Howard said. "Bernadette beat me."

"So she broke fifty!"

Bernadette laughed. "Actually, Leonard, we both broke fifty. I got a seventy-three, and Howard a fifty-eight."

"Did you hear that, Sheldon? _Seventy-three!_" Leonard gave his best friend a teasing grin. "Isn't your career best at Wii Bowling a sixty-eight?"

"Isn't your career best a forty-five?" Penny asked, raising an eyebrow at Leonard.

He put a finger to her lips. "Shhhh." Turning back to Bernadette, he smiled. "Sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun."

"Oh, we are," she said, smiling brightly. "And Saturday Howard is going to come over and meet my mother."

Howard looked down at his food, hoping someone would change the subject so he wouldn't have to talk about it. Thankfully, Sheldon was there to blab about some science fiction scenario that he'd managed to tie into Wii bowling. Howard could have hugged Sheldon, he was so happy not to have to talk about the weekend. He knew how excited his girlfriend was for him to finally meet her mom…but inside he couldn't fake the excitement; inside his nerves were getting the best of him.

Meeting parents was a step. Howard had no clue if that was true for everyone, but he had never met parents before-ever. When you were a nerd, it was harder to do these things, to make an impression, and to find someone who _your_ parents would like. He sighed. Only Raj noticed, but he couldn't talk while Penny was there, so he just gave his best friend a smile.  
Penny finished eating and put her plate down on the coffee table. She scooted lower in the chair and nestled her head onto Leonard's shoulder. They linked hands and looked over at Sheldon, listening to him rant about the two Green Lanterns.

Despite the fact that the topic was now off of his imminent meeting with Bernadette's mother, Howard was still worrying. He'd been worrying all week. He'd taken Bernadette to 4A tonight in hope of getting his mind off of it, but he couldn't. Was it normal to be so anxious about this? Two days in advance? The other couple in the room wasn't making it any better. Penny was now curled up on Leonard's lap. Their fingers were entwined and they just looked so comfortable, talking to Sheldon and Bernadette without looking awkward in their positioning. Her head fit perfectly in the crook of his neck. Would he and Bernadette ever have such a casual intimacy about them? Would they ever be that content? Would he have a chance to be anything to her after this weekend?

Howard was sure he was overreacting, but he couldn't help it. He and Leonard had both struggled, in the past, to find women that they cared about-now they both had, but Leonard was farther along, at least where parents were concerned, when it came to Penny.

She had met Leonard's mother. Leonard's mother approved of her. Leonard's mother _liked_ her. Leonard had it _made_. And now Howard, who had insulted them, made jokes about them, stated explicitly that they were an accident waiting to happen, was terrified that he wasn't going to do as well when it came to meeting Bernadette's mother. He had no idea what would happen on Saturday, but…he'd give up teasing Leonard if it could just go right.

"Howard, you're getting sauce all over you," Bernadette said, pointing with her piece of pizza at him. He looked down. All over his pants was sauce and cheese from squeezing his pizza slice so hard. "What's the matter?" She asked.

"Nothing," he said, forcing a smile. He really needed to get a grip. He was _not _going to think about this again until Saturday. Worrying wouldn't change anything.

**I liked the nice, more vulnerable Howard we saw in The Killer Robot Instability. Although he was going after "pity sex" I still felt there was some truth to it, so I'm bringing that back and making him really, REALLY worry about meeting Bernadette's mom-we all know she means more to him than any girl before.**

**I hope I'm not failing miserably in the eyes of all of you…we don't get much H/B one on one, so it's kinda hard to write for them…I'm planning some of this in Bernadette's POV next chapter, and it is absolutely TERRIFYING ME! *bites nails nervously***


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's chapter two…from Bernadette's POV! *bites nails* I hope I didn't botch her up for you guys. I'm a little depressed right now…super long story!**

**Anyway, here it is.**

Bernadette darted through the living room, easing the doors closed as she went through them. as usual, her timing was perfect. It wasn't Mrs. Wolowitz herself that she was trying to avoid, it was the brisket that she knew was being made in the kitchen. After one or two days as "taste-tester," Bernadette had gotten good at slipping by the kitchen door unnoticed. She rapped lightly on Howard's bedroom door. "How-ard," she said in singsong.

"It's open," he called.

"You've got clothes on, don't you?"

"Maybe."

"Howard."

"Yes, yes, come on in."

Smiling, Bernadette entered the room. Howard was at his laptop. She went over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Whatcha doing?" Looking at the website, she cocked her head. "Wookieepedia?"

Howard turned to grin at her. "The _Star Wars_ Wiki." He clicked on a link. "Check this out. It's Chewbacca's crossbow. He used it in the attack on Kashyyk in 19 B.B.Y."

Intrigued, Bernadette knelt next to his chair. "What's B.B.Y.?"

"Before the Battle of Yavin," Howard explained patiently.

"Was that where they blew up the Death Star?" She asked, slightly confused. She was getting better at this science fiction stuff, but a lot of it still confused her. But the grin and impulsive hug Howard gave her then was enough for her to realize she'd gotten it right. She giggled happily, just thrilled that she had remembered. "So are you reading about this stuff," she asked, "or are you messing the entries up like Raj does?"

Howard looked at her like she was crazy. "Just reading! Believe me, we only mess up Wikipedia. Important stuff like this is off limits."

"I think Penny had a similar conversation with Leonard last week, based on some comments she made to me," Bernadette said, touching Howard's nose. "Must be important to our geeky men." She knew that Howard wouldn't take offense to the label, especially considering the way she'd said it-and he didn't look hurt, he just grinned. "Do you want to see the page for Wedge Antilles?" He asked. "He is the only rebel pilot to survive both attacks on the two Death Stars."

Bernadette scooted closer. "Didn't Luke survive both?"

"Yes, in a way," Howard said. "He didn't actually participate in the second one-he was facing Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine."

"Gotcha," she said, committing that information to memory. She rested her arm on his leg as Howard opened Wedge's page and began to show her the content. Bernadette knew how much Howard loved this stuff, and she listened carefully to what he was saying. Penny had told her that at first, back when she'd first met the guys, she hadn't the slightest interest in science fiction, but that it had strangely grown on her. Bernadette found the same thing happening to her. It was an odd pull, the force that drew her into Howard's world, but it was a force she welcomed and enjoyed, even embraced. She couldn't wait for her mom to meet him-he was such a great guy, and he lived in such an intriguing second world!

"HOWARD? IS BERNADETTE HERE YET?"

"Don't tell her!"

"Why not?" He looked confused, then a little…hopeful? "I thought you liked my ma."

"She'll want me to try the brisket." Did he look disappointed now? "Are you okay, Howard?"

"SHE'S NOT HERE YET, MA! CALM DOWN!"

"I WANT HER TO TRY THIS NEW BRISKET!"

"LATER MA!" Howard looked at Bernadette and rolled his eyes dramatically.

She grinned back at him. "Hey…wanna go to ninth base?"

"What's ninth base, again?"

"Eighth base with my shirt unbuttoned."

Howard thought for a moment. "Status of the bra?"

She put her hands on her hips. "On. We're a long way from fourteenth base, Howard Wolowitz."

He shrugged. "All right. We gotta start somewhere."

**Loved it? Hated it? Meh? Let me know…I almost feel as if I cheated on this chapter…it just seems off to me…but at the same time I'm not waiting to publish it because it's what I wanted to write so…let me know, please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, here is the third, very long, probably badly written, and last chapter of How He Met Her Mother. I hope this isn't the crappiest thing I ever posted-I really had no idea how the conversation was going to go with Mrs. Bernadette until I wrote it-next time I should think of how to go about the theme of my story before trying to post it. Any typos, let me know, please. Actually, let me know no matter what!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own Bernadette's mama…I guess…until CBS has her appear. Then she will not belong to me.**

Howard remembered how he had laughed when Sheldon had told him how nervous Leonard had been before that "sort of" date with Penny. Well, Howard was sure that compared to how he was feeling now, Leonard was calm and collected about that awkward event. Howard was freaking out. He had almost a half an hour before he had to leave, and he hated waiting. Short waits were the worst. There was no time to do anything to distract yourself; there was only time to wait.

Howard sat on the edge of the bed, tapping his foot to the tune of _Duel of the Fates_. He was alone; his mother was at book club. Boy, did he hate waiting! He still had more than twenty minutes! _Dun dee da dada, dun dee da dada…_Howard suddenly felt sick. He rushed to the bathroom, hand over his mouth, and barely reached the toilet before retching violently into it. Gasping, he knelt on his bathroom floor, feeling dizzy and disoriented. When he finally felt well enough to stand up, he washed his face and glanced at the clock. Friggin' Millennium Falcon, he was late! Pulling his jacket on, Howard raced for the door, pausing only long enough to lock it and put the key in that ugly plant his mother was so proud of (Leonard and Sheldon had a _bowl_). Jumping onto his motorcycle, Howard threw it in gear and eased onto the road, not so stupid as to speed, but going as fast as he dared on in the slightly rainy conditions. God, had he blown it! He was so busy thinking he almost didn't see the group of people crossing the road in front of him. Noticing them at the last second, he swerved hard and tipped the bike, causing two of the women in the group to jump out of the way. Great. Now Bernadette's mother could meet him in a hospital.

Howard jumped up, feeling slightly panicky. "I'm so sorry! Is everybody okay?"

"What do you think you were doing, driving so fast?" said a kinda pretty, slightly chubby girl of about twenty. Boy, if he wasn't dating Bernadette, Howard would hit that. "I…uh…" He tried to think of a response. "I was going the speed limit!"

"That he was," said another woman. "It was your fault, girl, for not looking both ways before you crossed the street.

"Even so," said a young man standing with the girl. "Pedestrians have the right of way."

"You young kids are fools," said the older woman. She turned to Howard. "Are you okay, honey?"

"Yes, I'm fine," he said readjusting his helmet. "I guess it was a good thing I was…wearing this."

The chubby girl snickered. "A grown man, wearing a helmet!"

"Not to odd," said the boyfriend. "He's the size of an eleven year old!"

"Leave him alone," said the woman. "He's being safe."

Now that Howard had gotten over the original shock of tipping his bike, the anxiety set in again. "I'm sorry, ladies and gent," he said, "but I really have to be going." He picked the bike up. "Is…is everyone okay?"

"We're fine, honey," said the woman, ignoring the dramatic eye rolls of the girl. "Go on your way."

Howard nodded to them and got back on the bike. He had gone only a short distance when he felt the bike start to jerk a bit. Great. He must have punctured a tire when he swerved. Pulling to the side of the road, he knelt by the bike. Damn accident! Now he was going to be even later. Stashing the motorcycle in the bushes-because at this point he couldn't care less about anything other than getting to Bernadette's house-and began to jog up the road.

It was ten minutes after he was supposed to arrive at Bernadette's house when Howard finally did. Sighing, he knocked, hoping that he wouldn't be met with a disapproving mother's glare. To his relief, Bernadette opened the door, greeting him with a big smile. "Hey, Howard."

"Hey Bernadette. So sorry I'm late. Is your mother here yet? I tipped my motorcycle. I'm not hurt."

Bernadette just giggled at his rapid speech about seemingly unrelated topics. "It's okay, she's not here, I'm not surprised, and I'm glad."

She rattled off her response as quickly as he'd given his greeting, and that made him smile. "Good to see you," he said. She grinned, kissed him, and took his hand to drag him into her living room. "We'll be eating in here, since my table is being used to hold all my school stuff."

"How was your exam?"

"I think I may have messed up on the…the technicalities of the work of Martinus Beijerinck, one of the fathers of microbiology, on his Tobacco Mosaic Virus papers, but," she said, "but overall, it went just great. Pretty soon I may not have to be a waitress anymore!"

"I may have to stop coming to the Cheesecake Factory," Howard said, "if they won't have such good-looking waitresses."

"Stop trying to flatter me," she instructed him with a giggle. "So I can't wait for you to meet my mom. I know she'll just love you."

"Oh, I'm sure she will," Howard said quietly. "I'm just so, so lovable."

"Oh, stop it!" She pushed him backward, and he dropped onto the couch. She sat down next to him and gave him a hug. "You are. Just remember that my mom is very protective. Don't talk about your trip to the North Pole or anything the first time you meet her-she'll think it's dangerous. First impressions are important, especially when it comes to her."

"That reminds me, wasn't I supposed to wear a yarmulke?" He asked, referencing their first meeting.

"Oh!" Bernadette laughed. "We were joking…weren't we?"

"Well, I wasn't, but its okay if you weren't being serious, because I forgot."

"It works out then," she said, giggling again. Boy, did he love her giggle! Penny's laugh was the bray of a donkey, not nearly as cute! So Howard had one up on Leonard after all-_his_ girlfriend had an adorable giggle!

The doorbell rang. Howard tensed as Bernadette grinned wildly and got up. "Wait here," she said, heading around the corner to answer the door.

So this was it. Howard sat up straight; made sure his clothes looked okay, and put his hands in his lap.

"Hi, Momma," he heard Bernadette say. "How are you?"

"Oh, I'm okay," came a voice. "I'm so tired of these dangerous, dangerous teenagers! They just think they can do whatever they want! Why, just as I was walking here…"

Howard bolted to the bathroom. Once inside he locked the door he leaned against the sink and pulled his phone out. Leonard answered on the second ring. "Hey, how's it going?"

"I am so screwed," Howard said in a low voice.

Pause. "What's going on?"

"I was riding my motorcycle to Bernadette's house and I almost ran a few people over and it turns out one of them is Bernadette's mother!"

Pause. "What?"

Howard sighed. "I almost hit three people! Two college kids and a woman who's about fifty and now she's at Bernadette's door!"

"Wow."

"Is that all you have to say? What do I do? What would you do?"

"I can't even get a motorcycle moving fast enough to crash it."

"_You know what I mean_!" Howard snapped in agitation.

"You're at the house?"

"I'm locked in the bathroom."

"She locked you up?"

"For crying out loud, Leonard, you have a PhD! I am _hiding_ from Bernadette's mother! How can I go out there?" Howard sighed when he heard Penny's voice faintly over the phone. "Did I call at a bad time?"

Nothing.

"Leonard?"

"Howard."

"Penny?"

"No fooling you."

"Can you help me?" Howard thought he sounded like such a whiner, but he was desperate. "Please?"

"Howard, you really have no choice. Go and meet her."

"I've already met her!"

"Come on, Howard," Penny said in a teasing tone. "You watch _Star Wars_. Luke was nervous about facing Darth Vader, wasn't he? But he did it anyway."

Howard sighed. He knew, of course, that there was no getting out of it…he just wished that teleportation was possible. _Then_ he could just leave! "Okay," he said, sighing. "Thanks, I guess…wait, Penny?"

"Yes?"

"How did you meet Leonard's mother?" Penny told him, and suddenly Howard thought that his situation was looking a bit better. "And…how did you get her to like you?" Ah. That good Catholic woman would probably be very hard to get drunk.

"Howard?"

"Coming, Bernadette! I have to go," he said into the phone.

"Good luck."

"Here it goes-trying my best."

"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. Remember that. Think _Star Wars_."

The scary thing about that piece of advice was it was actually believable that it was coming out of Penny's mouth now. Howard put the phone back into his pocket and took a deep breath. Think _Star Wars,_ think _Star Wars_. "I have a bad feeling about this," he said, realizing the second it was out that he had just quoted one of the most frequently said lines in that series.

They were sitting on the couch, talking, when Howard reappeared. Bernadette was facing his direction, and she smiled broadly when he showed up. "Here he is! Momma, I'd like you to meet Howard Wolowitz, my boyfriend."

Bernadette's mother turned. Howard got to look at her for who she was for the first time. She was taller than Bernadette, but not by much, and while she wasn't thin, she wasn't on the heavy side, either. Her blonde hair was starting to gray, and her eyes were gray-blue behind her glasses. Howard saw the recognition flicker in her eyes as she stood and held out her hand. "Hello, Howard. Joelle."

"Nice to...meet you." Did he pretend they had never met before, or did he bring up the earlier incident. "I can see where Bernadette gets her smile." Was that the wrong thing to say? "You have a wonderful daughter." Was he blowing it?

She smiled. "Yes, yes, I do. Won't you sit down?" Howard gave a tight smile and sank down beside Bernadette. Joelle sat in the chair across from them. "Don't be nervous, Howard. I don't bite. So, Bernadette says you're an engineer?"

"Yes," he said. "Yes. I work at the university. In the engineering lab."

"Imagine that," Bernadette teased, squeezing his arm. "An engineer in the engineering department!"

Howard laughed nervously. "So…I've heard a lot about you...Joelle."

Joelle looked at Bernadette. "Can't be too good, I'm sure."

"Well," Howard said, trying to look genuinely confused. "Why would you say that?"

"She's embarrassed," Joelle said, "because I lay out her clothes for her. Yep, I come here every morning to make sure that my baby doll goes out in public looking like the sweet child she is. This world is a wicked place; she thinks that she can be independent, but…I worry about my little girl." Smiling at Bernadette, she reached out and patted her leg. "But now that she's got you, I don't have to worry as much."

"Really?" It just came out of his mouth, and Howard felt awkward again.

"She's told me so much about you," Joelle said quickly. "About how you show her Science Fiction things, and how she's grown to like magivg-but you don't do witchcraft, she's assured me-and how you've showed her this whole new world that she loves so much and she feels so comfortable around you and your friends, and…" she gave a quick sigh. "Oh, I'm doing a bad job, aren't I, honey?"

"You're fine, Momma," Bernadette assured her. "Howard was almost this nervous about meeting you!"

"Really?" Joelle looked surprised. "What was he afraid of? He's such a gentleman! Why, on his way here these awful kids walked right in front of his motorcycle and he was so nice about it, swerving, not cursing them out, and apologizing even when it wasn't his fault…" she looked at Howard. "My daughter is so lucky to have you, sweetie."

"…wait." He had to make sure he had this right. "You were worried about meeting _me_?"

"Oh, she was terrified," said Bernadette. "She was calling me every day-not to mention seeing me every morning-and asking things like 'do you think he'll like me?' 'Are you sure it isn't too soon? I'd hate to make a bad impression', and other things like that."

Howard gave a shocked look in Joelle's direction. She was blushing. "Oh, Bernadette," she said. She looked at Howard. "I'm so embarrassed. Don't be afraid of me, honey. I like you already. Just take care of my girl, okay?"

_Take care_ of her. _Take care_ of Bernadette. Isn't that what Leonard said his mother had told him to do for Penny? Howard smiled to himself. Howard and Bernadette, for the win.

The next day he was in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, ready for dinner. "So," Penny said, coming in and smiling, "How did it go?"

"Oh, just great," he said. "I did."

You did what?" Leonard asked, confused.

"There is no try. Do or do not," Penny said, grinning at Leonard. "And he did."

**When in doubt, think **_**Star Wars**_**. I hope this didn't bitterly disappoint anyone.**


End file.
